I told the show that I wanted to cut it and they nearly had a seizure." There will be no shortage of people ready to snigger at this sort of banal prose – the same people who derided Made in Chelsea when it first aired – but the programme and Locke have proved irritatingly compelling. “It was very, very hard and a lot of the time it involved a lot of wine. without sounding like an idiot,” he concludes, recognising how laughable he sounds.
I needed to be in the right mindset in order to think about ex-girlfriends. Other celebrities would do well to copy his self-awareness.
"They’re not funny and people don’t even read them. Essentially they take themselves too seriously, a charge that can't be levelled at Locke, who refers to himself as “an idiot” throughout the interview and writes candidly about his disastrous record between the sheets.
I was desperate to add as much humour to the book as I could." Take the time he meets Rachel Stevens of S Club 7 fame: "After several large glasses of wine I was convinced she’d be interested in a 17-year-old virgin with little or no prospects..." he writes. “I’m happy to give away as much as I can about my sex life because I think that’s what people want to know and it’s comedy. “I just really wanted to make a book that everyone will love.” Of course he does.
Ollie Locke, the Made in Chelsea star, really shouldn’t be this hard to track down.
Even though TOWIE came first, their B-list stars are still nothing compared to the likes of Spencer Matthews, Millie Mackintosh, Jamie Laing and other household names the show has created.
But this book, which is beyond ridiculous at times, is never going to be for everyone...
"So then I decided it was time to cut off the hair," he writes. Was I really going to lose those locks that I’d spent the past 10 years growing? Was it cathartic to revisit old loves and to relive the traumas again?
Louise Thompson literally cheated on her boyfriend with this man here. Millie had a short-lived relationship with Sam Thompson, in which he invited her round for cocktails and then preceded to shag Tiff behind his back.
[Falls asleep] You might not remember Harney, but he was the relatively good-looking but objectively very odd bloke who tried to woo Steph Pratt by making crude handyman jokes and then forcing her to play tennis. She eventually declared “I’m out,” leading Sam to ask the immortal question: “Are you Dragon’s Den-ing me?